


will you be my constant through it all?

by jinxfabray



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, F/M, I don't know, Lots of things, M/M, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 10:04:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3484157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinxfabray/pseuds/jinxfabray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The first time Liam kisses Louis, it's like his world goes from dull tones of sepia to bright and colorful. Everything changes and everything spins, but it doesn't quite fall into place. He kisses him hesitantly, barely a peck, and his eyes when he pulls apart are clouded with confusion.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>It feels as if it's the start of something, but it's not quite that.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	will you be my constant through it all?

**Author's Note:**

> I AM VERY EXCITED/NERVOUS ABOUT THIS
> 
> thank you so much to my betas and cheerleaders, [sara](http://andwarm.tumblr.com), [aye](http://youaresuchasunshine.tumblr.com) and [sharon](http://loueh.tumblr.com/), who didn't just help me with grammar and spelling in this fic, but who also held my hand throughout the entire process of writing it. i love you so so so much! (i hope i'm not forgetting anyone because i've cried over this fic to pretty much everyone but you three were there from beginning to end so)
> 
> and thank you SO MUCH to the incredible [winnie](http://politicaal.tumblr.com) who made me [this beautiful mix](http://8tracks.com/isthiswinnie/constant) that just captured everything i hoped this fic would carry in it.
> 
> (title from quiet, by jason mraz)

The first time Liam kisses Louis, it's like his world goes from dull tones of sepia to bright and colorful. Everything changes and everything spins, but it doesn't quite fall into place. He kisses him hesitantly, barely a peck, and his eyes when he pulls apart are clouded with confusion.

It feels as if it's the start of something, but it's not quite that.

They're fifteen and they've been friends since they were eight, best friends since they were twelve when the world turned against them and the bullies wouldn't leave any of them alone. They chose different ways to face it, Liam taking boxing classes and learning how to defend both himself and Louis, whereas Louis- well, Louis decided to fight them with the one thing he knew how to use. But using his tongue and showing them he could be crueler than them didn't always work, and more often than not it made it all worse, and Liam had to jump in and save him from getting beaten up yet again.

But that’s just background noise.

When they're fourteen, Louis kisses a girl for the very first time in the middle of one of those games of Truth and Dare that always seem to happen right when Liam isn't around. He presses his lips to hers and she is eager, giggling into his mouth as she tries to kiss him some more, but Louis pulls away.

He can't sleep that night because it's so obvious, so blatantly obvious it feels like it's been written on his forehead all along and he hadn't ever taken the time to look at himself in the mirror. He closed his eyes to kiss her and the first image that came to his mind was Liam. He wants to kiss Liam.

It eats him up inside for a very long time, because this is the last thing he needs. This is the last thing anyone needs. His mom has enough to deal with, Liam has more than enough, and Louis himself could really use having at least one thing be ordinary in his life. But this is just his luck, isn't it.

So he deals with it the way he deals with everything else, and he pulls away. He should know better though, because he's been Liam's sidekick for a thousand years and a half, or at least that's what it feels like, and if there's one thing he should have learned about Liam by now is that he's never ever going to let go of him. At least not without a real motive. He goes to school and sits on the furthest corner of the classroom he can find, he eats lunch alone in corners where he figures no one will go looking for him, and he avoids his calls, but Liam never stops calling and texting and looking for him and every time they make eye contact Louis sees how much he's hurting, how in Liam's head he's making this all to be his fault, and he can't just let him think that when it's his own fault that everything's so fucked up. He can’t let Liam suffer for Louis's stupidity.

When he tells him, Liam doesn't say anything for an entire minute. He just sits there, while Louis's entire body feels like it's about to explode, staring right ahead of himself into the pure nothingness, until he eventually nods to himself, as if agreeing with something he's not saying out loud, and Louis hugs his knees tightly.

He doesn't say sorry, or okay. He's just Liam through it all, like he always is, humble ( _I never thought anyone would like me at all in that way, especially not someone as amazing as you_ ), and profoundly sincere ( _I don't really feel like that, and I'm so sorry, Lou, but I promise this won't change anything, it's always gonna be me and you)_.

And it works for a while, it really does, because even though Louis is now constantly, painfully aware of this fire set ablaze burning inside him, this love that refuses to go away, that consumes him in the way all teenage loves do the bodies they inhabit, Liam seems to be entirely oblivious to it and it makes everything much easier. For almost a whole year, absolutely nothing shifts in their dynamics except now Louis sometimes cries into his pillow at night, but that's only sometimes. Or most nights.

Louis turns fifteen, and then Liam turns fifteen, and time is slowly passing them by when something seems to disturb their balance. There is something that is morphing slowly and Louis can't quite put his finger on it but he can feel it and it's upsetting him profoundly because it's not as if Liam's ignoring him or being mean or being anything but his friend, but sometimes he catches him staring a little too much, or he finds him sitting by himself looking all pensive, and he can sense something is about to happen the way sailors can tell a storm is coming up.

 

Liam kissing him takes him by surprise, but in a way, it really doesn't. He felt in his bones.

Just like he can feel right after that this kiss doesn't mean what he wants it to. They kiss and the world waits for them, it remains still and quiet, letting them have this one moment, as if it knew how important of a moment this one is. They kiss, and Louis has been in love with Liam for so long now but this is the most overwhelmed he's ever been by the feeling. It's as if his love is a physical entity that's outside his body, as if it's something that he can touch and feel and it's growing and growing until it takes up all the room around him and he can't breathe, and he's not sure if love is supposed to be this consuming.

When Liam pulls away, Louis knows before he says anything that even if he did feel something, he most certainly didn't feel like there was no air in the room and the only way he had to survive was by pressing himself against Louis some more, which is pretty much how he feels.

After living in each other's pockets for years, Louis would have thought it would be harder for Liam to avoid him, but the day after they kiss, Liam proves to him that it's actually fairly simple. He never ignores him, because Liam wouldn't ignore him if he was in the middle of performing open heart surgery on his own mother, but he texts very short answers, claims to always be busy, and before he knows it, it's been two weeks since their kiss and they haven't spoken even once.

It should make him sad, but mostly, it makes him really, really angry, because this is not how he expected things to go, ever. If Liam didn't want to kiss him, then he shouldn't have done it. If he was disgusted with Louis, then he should have just fucking said so. If he was feeling things, he should have talked to Louis, just like he had. If he'd had the courage to go up to him and tell him how he felt even when he'd thought he'd lose him forever, then Liam could have just come out and say whatever it was that was troubling him so much, but no, he had to go and muck it all up and leave Louis friendless and with a broken heart.

He's not friendless for long, though, because not being around Liam means Louis is suddenly forced into facing the rest of his classmates, and there's some not so terrible people that he wouldn't have ever noticed if he hadn't just had his Liam goggles kicked off his face. The first time a teacher tells them to split into pairs for an assignment, Louis gets a look of desperation on his face because sure, he knows his classmates, but he's barely ever talked to any of them and he's always done all his group assignments with Liam which meant Liam did most of the work and Louis got to sit around and throw airplanes at him but now he might actually have to work, and his train of thought is so frantic that he doesn't notice a guy plopping down on the seat next to him until he nudges him in the ribs.

"Mind if I join you? Everyone else seems to be pretty coupled up." He says, and before even looking at him, Louis glances at Liam's seat to find him sitting next to some pretty brunette. Okay.

"No, that's okay." The guy grins at him and it's hard to look at such a shiny smile, all teeth and carelessness, and not smile back, so he does.

"I'm Niall, by the way. New kid around here, in case you hadn't noticed."

Louis really hadn't, but he figures it's for the best that he gets stuck with the new kid. At least he won't ask any questions about why him and Liam aren't attached by the hip anymore.

Turns out Niall does more than that, and in little time, Louis finds himself having a social life again. Niall is far more popular than Liam or him could have ever dreamed of being, with his cheerfulness and that thing he does where he walks into a room and smiles at everyone as if they were all lifelong friends -somehow managing to convince people with that heartwarming grin that even if they aren't, they should be. So Louis is back to having someone to play Call of Duty with, eating chips after school hanging out in the park and avoiding homework, but also someone to sneak into parties with. Liam was never that person, he was never too fond of the idea of parties or of doing something so intrinsically wrong as going somewhere they hadn't been invited to, so this is all brand new territory for Louis and he finds himself loving it quite a lot.

  

With Niall by his side, Louis learns how to dress to look like he's not really a kid, because turning sixteen doesn’t do much for him in that area, and how to drink without scrunching up his entire face because that kinda gives him away pretty quickly. It's fun and it's easy and it takes his mind off Liam, for a while.

But he's evidently not the only one trying new things, because at the third party they go to in the first month of being friends with Niall, Louis spots Liam standing in the corner with a girl, and there is a sudden rush of mixed feelings that comes straight for his stomach and makes him sick. Or it may have been all the vodka they've been drinking that's threatening to make a comeback, either way, Louis excuses himself and goes lock himself in the bathroom.

He stares at his own reflection for the longest time, both hands grabbing the sink as he tries to make everything around him stop spinning. He's not that drunk, or at least he doesn't think so, but Liam's here and he's been trying so hard to pretend like he's not a part of his life at all anymore that seeing him like this does nothing but remind him rather brutally of how he's still a little meaningless asteroid orbiting a bright sun that will never notice him like he wants him to.

It's pathetic and Louis wants to crawl out of his skin, leave this all behind, start anew on a different planet. Someone knocks on the door and it takes a little bit to register that he's at the house party of someone he doesn't know and he should really try not to fall on anyone's bad side tonight. So he opens the door with a forced smile that fades away almost instantly because on the other side of it is Liam, with his hands in his pockets and a look on his eyes that tells him he's not the only one surprised.

"What are you doing here?" He asks in a sheepish tone, as if he knows he's done so much wrong lately he has no right to be asking Louis anything.

"I could ask you the same question, but why bother, if you're not really going to answer." Louis tone is sharp and icy, and Liam looks wounded by it. Stupid Liam. His eyebrows are drawn together and he looks so very sad that it takes all of Louis's strength not to give in, say he didn't really mean it and that he's actually enjoying the way Liam's ignoring it very much so he should definitely keep that up.

"I'm sorry, Lou, I really am but everything has been a little-"

"A little what, Liam? Confusing? Scary? What do you think it's been like for me, not knowing if my best friend hated me or was messing with me or what on Earth was going on?" They're raising their voices, but the party's so loud that no one would hear them even if they shouted at each other. It's so loud that Louis can't think, can't form coherent strings of words in his brain with that loud thumping beat drumming on his head. The alcohol and the music and the way Liam's looking at him as if he's actually aware of how badly he fucked up and he's feeling as guilty as Louis thinks he should be, it's all too much, it blends in and merges until Louis feels his head might explode.

"I could never hate you." Liam says very softly, so softly Louis isn't sure he heard him right, but right after he takes a step forward and kisses him.

Liam shuts the door behind them and presses Louis against the cold tiles, kissing him as if it was the only way to stop the apocalypse. As if he was trying to right all his wrongs with this one kiss. He tastes of cheap beer and smoke and if Louis was slightly more sober he'd wonder how anyone managed to talk Liam into drinking and smoking, but in his current state, all he can think of is whether Liam actually did those or if these lips that are kissing him right now have kissed someone else before this very same night, someone who had actually been smoking and drinking. It makes him so profoundly angry to realize how possible that is, yet all his rage does is make him kiss Liam harder, until their teeth clash and it's messy, and passionate, and the exact opposite of their first kiss.

When Liam pulls away, he doesn't look hesitant. He looks like he wants to devour Louis, and there's an expression on his face Louis wouldn't have ever thought it was possible for Liam, sweet, innocent Liam, to ever have.

They kiss again and again until their bodies are so pressed up against each other they can feel their heartbeats as if they were one and the same, keeping track of how many times their tongues lick past their lips, how many times Louis feels Liam licking behind his canines, how many times Louis shyly rolls his hips against Liam's until they are both too painfully aware of the situation to keep ignoring it.

By now, Louis doesn't know what to expect, mostly because he's not doing enough thinking to even try to figure out the logical step to come after this. His brain is doing nothing but sending electrical impulses to his tongue and hands and lips to keep him moving, keep him kissing, but that is all the extent of its activity. There's no more reasoning, no more wondering, just feeling Liam's fingers press on the small of his back. That is all. That is everything.

So when he feels Liam's fingers venturing under the waistband of his jeans, he doesn't think about what it all means, because it all means far too much for him to process.

It's the first time in his entire life someone other than himself is touching his dick, and he's far too wired, far too in love with the way Liam looks up tentatively before wrapping his fingers around it, so it's quick and dirty and Louis comes with a whimper buried against Liam's neck.

It's going to change everything and he knows it, but it has to change it all for good. It just has to, it was so intimate and powerful and Louis has never done something like this with anyone before but he's spent his entire teenage years thinking of doing it with Liam and now it's actually happened so this has to mean everything is going to fall into place. He needs it to. This has to be the beginning of everything he's been stupidly hoping for.

 

The day after, Liam texts him an I _'m sorry_ , and the following Monday he sees him holding hands with the same brunette he's seen him with so many times now. It's all it takes for him to know that night wasn't a beginning at all. It was an ending.

It's not as terrible as Louis thought it would be, cutting Liam off his life entirely. It feels a little bit like he can't breathe when he wakes up in the morning and remembers it's his alarm ringing and not Liam calling him to make sure he gets to school on time, but for the most part, he manages. Niall helps a lot, and he doesn't quite know what exactly goes on in his life, why he transferred or why he never talks much about his family, but he knows Niall is always there with a pint of beer to help him out.

The year goes by quietly, and a couple of weeks before it's over, Louis opens his Facebook and closes the window immediately, shutting his eyes tightly and hoping it's a mistake. Niall sees the way his shoulders tighten and he leaves the guitar he was strumming on and walks up to him, putting his hands on his shoulders.

"Is everything okay?"

Louis covers his face with his hand and only dares peek through his fingers as he logs in again. He can't help the whine that escapes his lips when he sees it is very much real and he hadn't been mistaken at all. Liam's changed his status to "in a relationship".

"I don't even know who she is." He mutters through gritted teeth, taking his hands off his face to glare properly at the picture of the two of them smiling at each other and holding hands. She's a year younger than them, but he honestly doesn't remember ever seeing her around before and if it wasn't because it's written right there next to Liam's he wouldn't know her name either. It's as if she popped out of thin air right the instant Louis left Liam's side and stole everything that was rightfully his.

His mind is going to bad places, evidently, and he wants to scream into his pillow until he's breathless and maybe a little more after that too, but Niall's staring at him with a very concerned look on his face so he does his best to take a deep breath and try to act as if he's okay though by now Niall knows exactly how far from that he is. 

"How about we go out and get you someone to pull?" He asks, and Louis would laugh out loud if he wasn't too busy feeling sorry for himself.

"I don't think so, no. I'd rather stay here and wallow in self pity." Niall shrugs his shoulders with his ever present smile on his face as he pats his shoulder.

"Whatever you say, mate, but the offer will be standing when you get bored of that, which I'm guessing will be rather soon."

However, Niall underestimates Louis's abilities for being consumed by bitterness, and summer comes and goes and Louis doesn't give in, not once, not until school starts again and on the first day he spots Liam and his new girlfriend as cosy as ever.

"So pulling." He says as he drops himself next to Niall at lunch that same day, and it's like a spell, the way those two words are enough to lighten up Niall's face instantly.

"I know a place" is all he answers, and Louis feels just as excited as unsettled, but it's quite the step forward after all those months of sadness and loneliness. He'll take any kind of excitement over staying gloomy while Liam's so peacefully content with his new perfect relationship.

 

It's a dark place and they don't ask for their IDs, which are pretty much the only two things Niall seems to need to think of it as an amazing spot. The bouncer doesn't even spare them a look, as if not seeing how young they are might somehow make him less guilty of letting them go in there and get mixed with the crowd, and not even the bartender seems to mind it too much. He eyes Niall a bit, but Louis is taller and he has that constant air of "so done with this" that apparently makes up for their boyish looks, so he gives in and after the first hour of hanging around the bar, they are a little tipsy, and much happier.

"Niall, listen." Louis starts saying and he has to hold on to Niall to make sure he's focusing on him, though his eyes keep drifting away to some tiny girl dancing not far from them. "I'm not doing this because of Liam."

"Of course you're not." He grins and it is so obvious he doesn't believe him in the slightest, but Louis just had to say it. At least to hear it himself, so maybe he can convince himself that he's just having fun with a friend and not scanning the place for someone that can make him forget about his (ex?) best friend.

Niall drags him by the hand to the dancefloor, and neither of them has too much rhythm but they sway along as best as they can while Niall slowly leads them closer to the pretty girl he's had his eyes on since they walked in there.

It all happens way too fast for Louis to even process, and he thinks he doesn't like girls, but Niall's whispering in this bird's ear and her friend is standing alone awkwardly and truth is, even if she's not his type at all, she's hot and she's staring right at him like she wouldn't mind it much if he chatted her up. He doesn't even know what to say, how to start a conversation, but the second he opens his mouth he realizes the music is too loud anyway and he's not expected to bring up some great topic for them to debate over. He's not out on a date, he doesn't need to ask her about how school is going or what her favorite book is. She mouths her name to him and he says it back, tastes the feel of it in his tongue before saying his back.

Fifteen minutes later, he's feeling her tongue on his, as she presses his back against a wall and kisses him roughly. Eleanor was even less interested than him in making small talk, skipping all conversation to head straight for a kiss, and before he knew it she was driving him away from the crowd to this dark corner. He's not into girls, he really isn't, but when she opens her legs to trap one of his and presses her knee to the wall, he can't help but rolling his hips against her thigh.

He feels her smile against his lips, but she doesn't stop kissing him for a second. Instead, she presses harder, and he feels her warmth on his own leg, and this is nothing like he could have ever pictured but it feels almost freeing, like the most perfect definition of no strings attached he could have asked for, and he realizes when she bites on his neck hard enough to leave a mark that it's exactly what he was after.

It's not until he's at home, later that night, that he has his second, most important realization. Ever since she pressed her lips to his, he hasn't thought of Liam not even once. And it might have been because he was too busy trying to figure out what to do with his hands and how not to come in his jeans like a thirteen year old, but he doesn't care about the reasons, he just feels immensely relieved.

 

It turns into a bit of a routine, going out with Niall on weekends, getting smashed, ending up with someone's hand down his pants. The club becomes their favorite place, and they spend half of their weeks talking about what they did, and the other half planning what they will do. It's easier to focus on that and the fun of it than to look around and see the state of his life. It's better to just let go and enjoy their little moments of complete oblivion instead of thinking about what they're doing, how old some of the people batting their eyelashes at them are. They don't talk about any of it, they don't ever mention Niall's just having fun while Louis- well, he's throwing matter into all the little black holes in his heart that threaten to eat him up every time he sees Liam holding hands with his girlfriend around school as if it was nothing. He's filling all those empty voids, trying to at least, because they never seem to be full and they always end up going back to being painfully clenching for attention in a matter of hours.

And then there's Eleanor, whom he goes home with far more often than he'd like to admit. Eleanor is a year older and she can get them into any bar in town by batting her eyelashes fast enough, and she's the most interesting person Louis has met in his entire life. When they go out, she seems to always find the way to become the center of everyone's attention in the most subtle of ways. Louis can see the way people look at her as she walks by in her tight black dress, that serious expression on her face that makes her look so much older, but he knows none of those people have seen her like he has, in a bear onesie making hot chocolate at four in the morning because it's raining and that apparently means getting out of bed to get a drink and put on her favorite John Cusack movie. He thinks if they'd seen all the sides of her he's slowly uncovering, they'd be twice as intimidated.

She's the only one who manages to make Louis forget how miserable he feels for longer than a couple of minutes, and it might be because she's the only one who's actively trying to do so. Louis doesn't know how or when she figures out so much about him, but she seems to get his entire life story from staring at him hard enough, or at least she's clever enough to make him feel like she does. Sometimes he thinks maybe she doesn't have a clue of what's wrong with him, and she doesn't care enough to ask. She might be only in it because she's getting something out of it too, but it's hard to believe when it feels like she's doing all the heavy lifting when it comes to his burdens.

They meet in clubs, make out heavily against a wall until there's buttons being dealt with and they leave after waving at Niall, who always grins back because he likes Eleanor. He likes how she keeps Louis anchored. And she does, her hand on his thigh the whole cab ride back to her place, usually, since her parents don't really seem to care whereas Louis's mom would probably freak out if she ever saw him getting a girl into his room. She holds him down until they're undressing in their bedroom, and then she pins him down on the bed, and Louis doesn't know if what they do is normal, but it feels like exactly what he needs and Eleanor is so good at telling him not to feel bad about it, about any of it. It scares him a little, how she seems to know so much about so many things he's only ever heard of maybe once, but it's exhilarating to be constantly learning, trying to keep up with her though she is always one step ahead.

She's good to him in every possible way, and throughout the months that follow, he learns there is more to sex than what porn could have ever taught him. She leads him through it gently, asking every time if it's okay with him, if he wants to, making sure he's comfortable. She grabs his hand and shows him what she wants when she feels him hesitate, and she doesn’t ever ask about his life. It’s everything he could ask for, but it’s not enough, because nothing but Liam can be enough for Louis, and even when he has someone to sort of come home to he can’t keep himself from looking around in crowds, his eyes wandering even when Eleanor’s pressed up to his side, scanning for that one face he doesn’t really want to find.

They don’t always go to the club, because Niall has lots of friends, some of whom Louis finds to be rather bizarre, and there’s always parties to crash and shitty bands playing concerts in obscure basements. Those last ones Louis never feels fully comfortable at, not when it’s so very dark and there’s so many people full of tattoos blowing smoke out of their noses and straight into his face, reminding him he’s truly just a kid, a very out of place kid. But Niall keeps on taking him to those, sometimes just because he misses hanging out with him and he knows Eleanor would never agree to come along, sometimes because there’s this one girl with purple hair who plays bass that Niall’s been trying to get with since forever, and when it’s because of her Louis ends up alone in dark corners, trying to stay out of everybody’s ways. His eyes wander a little less at places like this, but then one night, he spots him. He’s tall and lanky, and just like Louis, he’s wearing very tight, bright pants that match his hair, which is also colourful and wild in a way Louis never thought hair could be. For someone that seems to have been dipped into a rainbow sauce, he’s got quite a sombre expression on his face, and he’s dancing on his own to a song with an impossible beat, completely lost in his world.

There’s just something about him, about how gracefully he moves even though his limbs seem far too long for him to be able to handle them, about how far from the party he seems to be in his own mind, and Louis can’t stop staring until his eyes burn into his back intensely enough for the guy to notice.

His name is Matt and he’s a very bad idea, like most things Louis does these days. Matt doesn’t ask any questions either, but when he presses Louis against the wall, he’s rough and careless, and there’s a very tiny voice in the back of Louis's mind saying he probably shouldn’t enjoy that, but he shuts it off and lets himself be kissed hard until his lip is close to bleeding.

It’s a terrible method, but it has quick results, and Louis sticks by it. He goes from sixteen to seventeen in a haze, only getting deeper in the mess he’s created for himself that’s chaotic enough to keep his mind constantly busy so he doesn’t ever have to think about Liam and his happy loving relationship with whatsername. All he has is Eleanor who keeps patiently giving him frantic nights and quiet mornings but never calls him unless he calls first, never quite lets him into her life, and Matt, who pushes him away just to pull him back into his arms the second after, who half the time makes him feel used, but Louis can’t let go of any of them, can’t imagine getting it any better than this for him, not when he’s entirely unable to properly put his heart into anything since it’s not his to give anymore.

Niall seems fairly concerned about him most of the time, but even when Louis shows up at school an hour late, with messy hair, red eyes and wearing Matt’s shirt inside out, he doesn’t freak out about it.

“It’s a phase,” He states firmly as he hands Louis a cup of coffee, and Louis isn’t sure if they’re pretending his state is because of a hangover to avoid talking about it or if he actually thinks that.

“I’m not so sure. Maybe this is it. This is what I do with my life.”

“Please,” Niall laughs and pats Louis's shoulder, “you’re fine. You’re seventeen, no one expects you to be making wise choices. Sure, yours are a little more extreme than most, but really all you’re doing is getting drunk and hooking up with the wrong people. It’s fine, sometimes y’just gotta get it out of your system.”

It’s all he says, it’s all anyone ever says, and it makes Louis suddenly painfully aware of how little people around him know about what’s going on inside him. How his heart is wilting because he misses Liam so much it’s driving him a little insane, how he always thought he’d get older and he’d get over it and instead he just wants him even more, even when he hasn’t spoken to him in over a year. How he doesn’t care at all about Matt, or Eleanor, or anything really, because nothing he ever does can numb out the pain that he now knows doesn’t only come from wanting Liam, but mostly from being rejected like that by his own best friend, from being led to believe he had a shot only to be left alone. How having all these secrets has made him grow distant from his mom and it’s a dumb thing to worry about because he’s sure all teenagers do that but he never intended for that to happen, just like how he never intended to become this person at all but now he doesn’t know how to stop.

It all looks so broken beyond repair, far too complicated for him to fix, but life works in funny ways especially at seventeen, and as time passes by, wounds do seem to hurt a little less, and slowly things start to work themselves out. The school year ends and Eleanor goes off to college, kissing his forehead before she goes and promising to actually call now that it’s over. Then Matt starts pulling away once again, but this time around Louis doesn’t go after him, he lets him drift away until that’s gone too and he’s left once again alone, but he feels different.

He feels like he’s been through something, like he’s learned things, like he’s grown up. Like he doesn’t want to let himself be used or pushed around anymore, like maybe he’s starting to think he can do at least a little better than that. Like he’s been underwater for all this time and he’s finally coming out and taking a deep breath of air, and it feels absolutely amazing and terrifying.

The most important thing he finds out as he very slowly walks out of the dark place he was living in is that Liam is still very much present in his heart. It’s a little disappointing, but he saw it coming. It’s just a fact he needs to accept, he’s in love with Liam and he will be until he’s eighty and getting pints for him and Niall and Niall’s third wife at that sad dark bar his grandfather used to love so much.

 

If he’d ever sat down and pictured a completely hypothetical scenario in which Liam returned his feelings for him and decided to say it, it would have involved a three am drunk phone call on a Saturday, a dramatic break up between him and his girlfriend, and possibly flowers to accompany Liam’s thought out speech. 

Instead, he gets stones thrown at his window on a Monday evening, and he opens it briskly, ready to yell at Niall for not texting him to let him know he was dropping by, but he finds Liam instead and he forgets how to breathe.

“Hey. Can we talk?” He asks and it’s the first thing he’s said to him in months, but Louis is too busy trying to get his body to function again to care about any of that. He stares at him for a moment and suddenly he remembers he should really give him some sort of answer, so he manages to nod.

“Okay. Yeah. I’ll be down in a second.”

He looks like he’s grown up, and Louis realizes as he stares at him that he actually has and that it’s been a really long time since he looked at Liam’s face for longer than a second. His hair is mostly gone, down to nearly a buzzcut, and he looks far less childish than he used to, though his eyes are still as innocent as ever, and maybe his heart clenches a little at that thought, and maybe he has to look away.

They stand at his door for a very long moment, until Liam opens his mouth as if to say something, closes it again, looks away and finally speaks.

“Can we walk?” He gestures with his head and Louis puts his hands in his pockets and follows him down the road, slowly walking side by side. This is all so unexpected and out of nowhere that he can’t even imagine what Liam’s come to say, but he’s still as nervous as he can be, his heart jumping up and down in his chest.

“So,” He starts saying, mostly because Liam seems to be lost in his thoughts and he can go do that at his own house, away from Louis, who most certainly does not need to be standing next to him at all times anymore. Or at least he doesn’t want to need it.

“I broke up with Dani.”

“Oh.”

There’s a heavy silence and Louis has a thousand things on his head but he knows he’s probably wrong and he shouldn’t be thinking about the reasons why they broke up. Liam’s looking for comfort, that’s all. That has to be all.

“It’s alright though, it wasn’t- I mean, we never really- I don’t know how to explain it.” Liam talks without looking at him, focused on the street ahead of them as he fumbles through words. “We never truly connected. I mean, we got on pretty well and then we kissed once and I realized she really wanted something serious so I thought why not, and then it was just like, a thing, you know? Like once it was a part of my routine it was scary to think of changing it, even if I wasn’t really into it. And she was, I think, so that was scarier. But it wasn’t working at all, and I couldn’t figure out why, and I was upset all the time because I had no one to talk to without you there and then I started to realize if I had a girlfriend I should probably feel like I could talk to her instead of needing you all the time, but I didn’t care much about what she had to say, you know? I just, I wanted to know what _you_ had to say about everything. It was you I wanted to talk to.”

Liam pauses to take a breath and Louis's ears are ringing because he’s talking very fast and he’s saying all these things that make him want to scream because if he wanted to keep Louis's friendship then he shouldn’t have pushed him away, and it doesn’t make sense and he’s both angry at Liam for ruining everything and happy to know he wasn’t the only one aching to be together again. He opens his mouth to say all these things but Liam beats him to it.

“And that got me thinking too, because if I wanted to be friends with you so much and it really didn’t make any difference to me whether you liked girls or boys or both or none, then- It just made no sense that I felt so terrified to be around you. Until it hit me.”

They stop walking, and Liam turns towards him slowly. Louis is expectant and scared to death of what might happen next, because he’s getting his hopes up even if his head is telling him he should probably think it through before doing anything, and if this ends up in another disappointment he’s not sure he’ll live through it.

“I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m sorry I fucked everything up and I never wanted to hurt you but I know I did, and I know I’m asking for a lot by asking you to forgive me for everything, but I’m an idiot, I always have been, and I’m here to ask you even more than forgiveness. I want you. I want to be with you. I want to kiss you and walk you to school and I want to be your best friend again, too. But I’ll understand if I’m asking for too much, because I was a complete jerk to you and-”

For someone who’s always qualified The Notebook, Bridget Jones and Love Actually as the three worst movies to ever exist, Louis surges up to kiss him mid sentence as if it was a scene right out of any of those. And there’s things he needs to think through and there’s things he needs to say and there’s so much to do, but right now, it doesn’t matter.

Right then, right there, things fall into place.

 

It only lasts a couple of days, that ease that comes with having finally figured out where they both belong, because they’re still in high school and they went through far too much for this to go smoothly on the first try, but they manage. Niall is more excited than themselves about this new relationship, and he’s very encouraging and helpful, especially when it comes to announcing it to the whole world and getting a positive reaction. Sure, they still get some mean comments thrown at them in the hallway, but for the most part, it doesn’t cause much backlash. Partly because Niall’s on their side and no one can ever say no to Niall, and also because Liam’s gotten bigger in the past few months, training as hard as he can and getting a body Louis can’t help but be eternally thankful for. 

So coming out isn’t all that terrible, and they get to hold hands while walking to school and kiss on janitors’ closets when they have a free period, so even if there’s things to be worked through, it’s all worth it. He tells his mom he’s bisexual and all his mother seems to be shocked about is whether he’s sure he likes girls or if he’s just saying it to make her happy because really, she always knew and he doesn’t have to pretend. It’s only then Louis realizes truly how great he’s been at keeping secrets all this time.

Sometimes, Louis dreams he goes to school and marches up to kiss Liam only to find him holding hands with a girl, and in his dream he always ends up discovering he actually dreamt everything since Liam throwing stones at his window. Those mornings, he wakes up sweaty and in utter fear, and he has to go through his phone to convince himself that he is in fact dating Liam, and that he did get a goodnight message from him about six hours ago.

It progresses slowly but surely, and by the time they graduate from high school, they’ve had ten thousand deep conversations about what happened before, what’s happening now and what they expect will happen next, and everything that felt unsettled is fastened tightly around the billion future plans they make.

“College is our next great adventure, huh?” Louis says one afternoon as they are laying on his bedroom floor, legs all tangled up.

“You’re all the great adventure I need.” Liam finds his hand and squeezes it, and Louis would reply something sarcastic, he really would, but that’s exactly how he feels so he doesn’t say anything and just squeezes his hand back, hoping Liam can, as always, figure out what he’s saying without him having to actually say it.

 

 

College seems to be literally heaven at first. Louis is mostly excited they’re not around high school classmates anymore, and that they managed to get into the same school, when Liam informs him he somehow got them to room together and a world of possibilities expands before Louis's eyes because sure, they’ve been intimate so far. They’ve touched dicks. But always trying to be as quiet as possible so no one would hear, so their parents wouldn’t yell at them, so they wouldn’t traumatize their sisters 

Now, they have a room to themselves and the walls may be thin but Louis can’t bring himself to care enough about their neighbours, not when he’s finally learning how to make Liam moan his name. That’s how they meet Harry, who instantly becomes attached to their hip after he comes to their defense when the next door kid starts leaving notes on their door asking them to keep it down. The first time he does, Liam sees it in the morning and blushes profoundly before walking away because really, it’s Louis's fault so he should be the one who deals with it. Except by the time Louis gets out of the room, someone’s already written under it, in big capital letters, that sex is a form of art and he should be grateful he gets to appreciate it for free. It’s slightly disturbing, but then their neighbour replies and Louis decides to wait patiently until he catches their weird knight in shiny armour.

After a whole morning of waiting by the door, he finally hears someone tapping a pen against his door and he opens it suddenly, startling the person behind it and making him drop his marker.

“Are you the one who wants to stay quiet, or the one who thinks we should fuck louder?” Louis asks though by the pleased grin on his face he can already tell which one he is.

He introduces himself and Louis invites him to his room, mostly because he’s intrigued, and before closing the door he checks the sign. It reads in very big, very red letters, “FUCK LOUDER COMRADES” and Louis needs nothing else to know him and this Harry guy are going to be great friends.

Liam takes to Harry quite quickly too, but no one is more eager or happier about having him in their group as Niall. Though he claims it’s because he’s no longer stuck watching Liam and Louis make heart eyes at each other all the time, soon enough he’s the one making heart eyes and really, Louis thinks they should’ve known all along.

College life is very different from high school, and for once Louis finds himself having to actually sit down and study for tests, get up early for classes, hand in assignments on time, and lots of other things he’s not sure how to handle, whereas Liam seems to be a complete natural at the whole being responsible thing. It’s infuriating, how he can wade through their first year as if it was nothing while Louis feels like he’s constantly struggling for air.

Midterms come and go and Louis barely survives those, so by the time finals are approaching, he feels like he might explode. It’s all too much, and the fact that it seems to be so easy for Liam only makes it worse because deep down he’s jealous and he’s angry and he misses his home and his mom and nothing is going right. Every morning he wakes up in complete terror of what the day might bring, and it keeps building up inside him until it’s the day of his first final and he’s on the way to the classroom when he realizes he just can’t do it. He stands in the middle of the hallways and he can see there are open windows around him, and he can feel a breeze on his skin yet he can’t breathe, he feels trapped and a second away from crying his eyes out though he has no absolutely idea why.

He can’t.

He turns around and walks away, walks and walks until he’s out of the building and there’s fresh air around him and in the distance he can smell weed and it feels like fate is calling him. He follows the scent until he finds a guy leaning against the wall, a joint dangling from his lips, and Louis loves Liam more than anything in the world and he’s everything he ever looked for in a guy, but there’s just something stupidly seductive about him, about how relaxed he seems to be, how completely in control of everything, that pulls him in towards him.

“Hey. Want a drag?” The boy asks, and Louis nods and reaches out to grab the joint. “I’m Zayn.”

“Louis,” He replies as he takes a first drag slow and carefully because it’s been a while and he doesn’t want to look ridiculous in front of someone so obviously cool.

“Louis,” Zayn repeats and it sounds different on his tongue

 

Break comes and goes, and nothing changes, not really, but something inside Louis feels restless and he can’t bring himself to stay sitting down for long enough to study, he can barely get through classes and everything feels beyond heavy on his shoulders. He can tell Liam is doing his best to help him out, he keeps helping him with his notes and trying to get him to study with him and to keep him motivated, but everything he does only makes Louis more nervous because he can’t stop seeing how easy it is for Liam compared to how he feels like he’s going to die before he passes an exam and it drives him insane. 

The only thing that makes his hands stop sweating and his heart slow down is meeting up with Zayn. They never talk about classes, or Liam, or anything. They just smoke and lean against each other, discussing Arcade Fire’s last album and whether they are overestimated or not until it gets dark around them and Louis can’t remember what it was that was troubling him so much anymore. With Zayn, he feels like he can breathe.

“Is that so?” Zayn asks and he can feel the smirk in his voice. So he said that out loud, alright.

“Yeah, I guess,” Louis turns to look at him and he’s so close, he can’t help but notice how beautiful he is. He’s looking up at him from under his long eyelashes and his heart is trying to run out of his chest from how intense his stare is. It feels like there is something very wrong, and it probably has to do with how he can feel Zayn’s breath on his lips, but he can’t help it if he feels free for the first time in months when he’s around him. He can’t help it if he appreciates having something to take his mind off things, and there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with another guy. There’s nothing wrong with them being friends, even if they don’t talk about their lives, and he doesn’t know what Zayn does in college or who he hangs out with, and Zayn doesn’t know about Liam and there would be nothing wrong with that if it wasn’t because Zayn doesn’t know about Liam and he’s kissing him now and Louis feels like he’s falling off an airplane.

“I have to go,” the worlds stumble out of his mouth as he pulls apart and he wishes he’d turned away faster so he wouldn’t have seen the look in Zayn’s face.

So much for freedom and breathing.

Louis gets to his room without being aware of how exactly he gets there. He opens the door and finds Liam smiling at him, but his face shifts quickly as he sees him and turns into a concerned look.

“Lou? Is something wrong? Come sit down,” He offers, frowning as he stands up and reaches out to grab Louis's hand, and he’s just being his nice and wonderful self but it makes Louis want to scream until his voice is gone because he’s a terrible person who kissed someone else and he feels itchy and uncomfortable and like he can’t get absolutely anything right anymore.

“Everything is wrong, Liam, everything.” Louis ignores the hand that’s stretched out in front of him and slides against the door until he’s sitting on the floor, looking up at Liam through teary eyes. He’s a mess, and he can’t remember how to get his heart back to a normal pace or how to breathe and it’s all Liam’s fault. It has to be. If everything in his world is rotten, and his world orbits around Liam, then it’s clearly all because of Liam.

“Tell me what’s wrong, babe.” Liam sits down next to him and Louis automatically jumps to his feet. He’s not going to cry. He’s just not.

“It’s not working out,” Liam stares at him from his spot on the floor with wide eyes, and Louis knows he doesn’t need to go on to make him understand what he’s saying, but he still does because he feels the words bubbling up inside him and he needs to let them out. “You and me, it’s not working out, and it’s too hard to keep trying to make this work while focusing on school. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I love you, I love you so much, but that’s exactly why it’s not going to work out. I feel like I’ve already found everything I could ever want and there’s nothing left to do now, and it should make me feel good but instead it makes me feel trapped, like I’m missing out, you know? We’re in college and I’m already living like a married person. That’s not right. That’s not how this should be. If I’d met you in twenty years, after doing everything and exploring and seeing the world and whatever, then it would have been perfect, but it’s not. I really wish I hadn’t met you when I did. I’m sorry, Liam, I-”

Liam stands up and Louis realizes he started crying at some point during his speech and he can’t go on speaking, but Liam looks like he’s heard enough.

“Okay. I don’t want to be a burden to you. If that’s how you feel then- then I’ll leave. I’ll leave and I’ll come for my stuff and we can work out how to do this later, when you feel better.” It’s not how Louis thought things would go, he expected Liam to say something, anything, and instead he’s just looking at him and opening the door and leaving.

Louis sits in the bed and cries until he has no more tears left, and then he texts Niall to inform him of what’s happened. His phone rings a second after the message is sent.

“What do you mean you broke up?”

“I think we broke up?” Louis's voice is shakier than he’d like but he’s slowly calming down. “I don’t know. I said horrible things.”

“Like what?”

“I told him I wish I hadn’t met him yet.” Louis winces at the memory because Liam may have been very civilized and walked out peacefully but he saw his face as he said that and he knows he struck a chord with that one. Possibly because it was a terrible thing to say. Maybe because he clearly implied he was bored with dating him.

“You need to talk to him, Lou.” Niall sounds patient and far too neutral considering Louis is telling him about how terribly he just fucked up, and he thinks he might be missing out on something here. “Just breathe, get yourself together and talk to him.”

It takes a while of hugging his knees tightly and hyperventilating, and right when he’s about to talk himself into calling Liam, he gets a text from him.

“ _can i come back??_ ”

“ _Yes please?_ ”

There is no logical explanation as far as Louis is concerned as to why Liam would want to come back, or how he knows Louis has finally calmed down and things are getting clearer and he knows he’s spent a very long time pinning things on Liam that he had nothing to do with, and that this was only the tip of a very gigantic iceberg that lives inside of Louis and that Liam sadly has to put with. Mostly, he knows, as he always has, that he’s an idiot who doesn’t deserve Liam but really, really needs him.

Liam’s back soon enough that Louis suspects he didn’t go too far, and he sits on the bed next to him, leaving a gap between them that Louis covers quickly.

“I’m sorry. That was- I didn’t mean that. Any of it.”

“I know.” Liam looks awfully serious and Louis doesn’t want this, he doesn’t want to hurt him, to be this terrible to him, but he doesn’t know where this constant uneasiness came from or how to make it stop. “But Lou, I think there’s something we need to talk about.”

“Is this about Zayn? Because I swear we’re just friends, and it was a mistake, literally, nothing but a meaningless kiss and that’s not what you were talking about because you didn’t know anything about that. Okay.”

Liam looks surprised, but he shakes it off and holds his hand tighter.

“That’s not what I meant, but we can get to that later. And we will, but, uh. Lou. I think you should talk to someone. You’ve been all over the place lately, and I, I don’t know if I’m in the place to give opinions about this but I think you should see someone who can.”

“I’m not sure what you mean,” Louis backs away slightly, his fingers still tangled with Liam’s.

“I think there’s a lot of pressure on all of us, and it’s been building up, and I think- I think that’s what’s making you all nervous and restless.”

“I thought you hadn’t noticed.”

“Of course I noticed, I just didn’t know what it was, and I thought maybe it was because of me, but then just now, you said all those things and I don’t know. I think maybe you panicked?”

“What do you mean?” Louis doesn’t like where this seems to be going, but Liam looks concerned and more serious than ever, so he decides to listen for once.

“You’ve always been a little intense, you know. Like, back then, when we- you know. When we were friends and you came out, I could tell it was eating you up inside, before and after, and like, you handle things in a very particular way.”

“You mean I don’t handle things at all,” Louis chuckles a little bitterly because he doesn’t need any reminder of how things were in that time of his life, thank you very much.

“I mean you have a bit of a tendency to overthink and to worry a lot about things that maybe aren’t as bad as they seem. And your feelings, they’re always so overpowering they sort of trump over everything else in your life, even when they’re not, you know. Rational.”

“Feelings are never rational. There’s nothing wrong with being intense, I’m just passionate, ‘s all.” Louis is frowning now, slightly offended at what Liam’s implying. He’s a perfectly normal human being with perfectly normal feelings and trains of thought. Sure, sometimes he gets a little too worked up about things and maybe he cries a little more easily than other people, but that doesn’t mean anything. He’s just wearing his heart on his sleeve, sometimes, and then some other times, he’s keeping things hidden as deep within him as he can. It’s all very normal and he wishes Liam would shut up and just kiss him.

“I’m not saying there’s something wrong with you, Lou, I’m just saying maybe you would feel a little better if you could think some things through before deciding they are terrible and can’t be dealt with.”

All this talking is making Louis's head hurt and he didn’t sign up for this. He just wanted to make up and kiss and get this over with so he could go back to whining about exams.

“I honestly don’t know what you mean, Liam. Look, I already apologized about those terrible things I said, I was just stressed out and I took it out on you, but I’m fine. I’m really, honestly fine.”

Liam looks at him in silence for a moment and Louis can literally see the shift in his posture when he gives up on trying to talk him into whatever he was trying to talk him into. He deflates a little bit, sighing resignedly, and he leans forward to press a kiss to Louis's forehead.

“Okay. If you say so. Now, about Zayn? You said something about kissing?”

“It’s not important, I promise. But since you’re talking about kissing, maybe we should do that. I mean, I’ve just been through a really bad break up and I might be in a bit of a bad place, I could use a rebound.”

“You want your ex and current boyfriend to also be your rebound?” Liam chuckles, complying nevertheless and leaning forward to kiss him, crawling over him as Louis lies down on the bed. “You’re gonna get sick of me really quick if you keep up like that, Tomlinson.”

“I’ll never get sick of you. Never, ever.” Louis punctuates each word with a kiss, his hands going from Liam’s neck to his back and sneaking under his shirt because they’ve done enough talking for the next few years. “Thanks for coming back.”

Liam stops kissing him and their faces are far too close for him to be staring into his eyes this intensely, but Louis can feel it all in the way he’s looking at him before he even says it. He can feel how important it is to Liam that he knows this, that he believes this, that he doesn’t ever forget what he already knows.

“I’d always come for you. And I’m not quoting Nickelback, I truly mean it.”

He’s an idiot. An absolute idiot that he’s never letting go of again.

  
No one seems to be particularly surprised at them being still together, and Louis going around telling people about the dreadful break up he’s just gone through and how terrible his life was for the time they were apart doesn’t gain much sympathy, probably because he always mentions the part where the break up lasted for less than an hour and how they weren’t really broken up. 

Niall doesn’t say much about it, he just smiles and pats his knee as he congratulates him for not being stupid and ruining the best thing that’s happened to him, and Louis knows there’s something he’s not saying but he doesn’t push him because, first of all, it looks like it’s something he doesn’t want to hear because otherwise he would’ve already said it, and secondly, he’s far too busy examining the way Harry’s leaning against his best friend.

“So what about Zayn, have you talked to him yet?” Niall asks as he leans back against the couch, Harry instantly draping an arm over his shoulders, and there is clearly a whole lot Louis has been missing out on lately.

“You don’t even know him,” He replies raising an amused eyebrow at the tone of concern in Niall’s voice, “But no, I haven’t, actually. It’s only been like a day though, I’ll do it soon.”

“It’s not my fault that I don’t know him, is it? You’re the one who’s been keeping him away from the rest of us.”

“I know him,” Harry interjects casually, in his usual slow and slightly irritating manner of speaking. “Great lad. I blew him once.”

Louis's eyes shoot up but Niall doesn’t seem fazed in the slightest, too busy scratching at a loose thread on his ripped jeans.

“Well, that’s useful information, Harold, thank you so much for that. Really needed to know that.”

“I’d be happy to tell you more then,” Harry actually wiggles his eyebrows at him and Louis groans as he gets up because he’s had enough of this for today.

“I’m gonna get tea, and I’m not getting any of you anything so don’t bother asking.” Louis walks away and as he’s waiting in line, he sees Harry and Niall get closer to each other, Harry’s eyebrows furrowing comically as Niall talks in a hushed voice, until suddenly Harry gets up and leaves, Niall sighing and watching him walk away.

“So,” as he sits back down on Harry’s spot, Louis hands Niall a cup of coffee before sipping on his tea, and he’s only seen Niall look anything less than cheerful barely a handful of times, so this is something he’s very much not used to. “What was that all about? Did I upset young Harold somehow? I seem to always be doing that lately to people.”

“No, it’s just- he didn’t know, about you and Zayn and what had happened. I didn’t tell him because it wasn’t my story to tell, you know, and he got all worried about Zayn and I guess he went see him,” Niall shrugs, but his attempt at looking like he couldn’t care less is half assed and Louis isn’t letting him get away with it.

“What is going on with you two, Ni?” He asks, leaning back against the couch, and Niall runs a hand over his face before answering.

“I’m not really sure, we’ve, uh, we’ve hooked up and all but I think he’s got some sort of unresolved thing with this Zayn lad and it’s like it can’t really go anywhere for us as long as that’s still happening or whatever, you know,” Niall looks at him and chuckles, soft and bitter, “We’re not all as lucky as you are, finding true love right off the bat.”

“I’m sorry,” Louis says because it’s all he can think of, and he wraps an arm around Niall and pulls him in for a tight hug, because it’s the best he can give him. For now, that is. Because part of this mess is his fault, and he’s got enough burdens on his shoulders to not try and fix this one thing he thinks he might actually have a shot at solving.

He just needs a little time, because he can already feel the shape of a plan forming in his mind.

 

 

* * *

 

College is nothing like Zayn expects. It's not like he didn't know there'd be classes he wouldn't enjoy and probably as many idiots around him as there were in high school, but he hoped he'd like some part of it, but so far, he hates everything about it. It's probably his own bad luck that he keeps meeting only the worst people or that he signed up to classes with teachers with zero interest in educating, but it is a bit of a shock and by the time midterms are up, he's ready to drop out and get himself a job somewhere. He can draw wherever, he doesn't need a degree to do that, so he figures he'll be fine.

 

And then he meets Harry. It's a party at a frat house, and he's only there because he figured he might as well get an ounce of college experience before walking away, and because he'd heard there'd be free beer. He's sitting on his own at the door nursing his second glass of disgusting but free beer, when someone plops down next to him.

 

"Hello there," a cheerful voice greets him and he turns to find a bright grin directed at him. He's tall, or maybe his jeans are that tight to make his legs look incredibly long, and he's got long, curly hair that looks beyond untamed. Zayn doesn't remember ever seeing him before, but then again he hasn't been paying much attention. Clearly that was a mistake on his part. "I'm Harry. We have History together. I sat behind you and accidentally kicked your chair a lot until you glared at me very intensely once so I changed seats because I was worried you'd murder me." 

Oh. Now Zayn definitely remembers him. He looks much nicer now that he's not driving him insane during the only class that didn't make him want to die.

"Zayn."

"Yeah, I know, " Harry smiles wider as he leans in a little closer and Zayn has had many bad ideas in his life but he's thinking maybe this isn't such a terrible one. His mouth is brightly pink and Zayn can't help it if maybe he unconsciously licks his own lips as he stares at Harry's. "What I don't know is why a hella fine looking fella like yourself is sitting all by himself when there's crowds in there who would probably chant his name for a second of his attention."

Zayn cracks up, laughing louder than he has since he started school, a hand on his stomach as he looks at Harry's very serious expression.

"I doubt the crowds in there even know my name, so chanting it might be a little difficult for them."

"Well I know your name, and I'd chant it." Harry frowns trying to look indignant, but Zayn can see the corner of his mouth turning slightly upward and his eyes are sparkling, betraying him completely. It's almost sinful, the slight curve of his mouth, how innocent his big eyes make him look, and Zayn has a vivid image of those lips on his dick and Harry staring up at him from his knees and it for a moment. He might be drunker than he thought, possibly, and now he's also uncomfortably half hard.

"I don't want anyone to chant my name, but thanks."

"What if I moaned it?" Harry wiggles his eyebrows and Zayn's shoot up, entirely taken aback. Alright. So they're on the same page, it seems.

"That wouldn't be a very good idea, Harry. I'm- I'm not gonna be around much longer, I'm dropping out."

"I know, I heard you talking to our teacher but before you realize I've been stalking you and run away, please listen to me. Just because you haven't found what you thought you were looking for when you came here doesn't mean you should quit. You've got potential, I know it and the teacher knew it, and if you promise you'll stay, I'll blow you right here and now. That way you get an education and a blow job and I get to stare at you some more in some other class, and to suck you off. It's a win win situation, you can't say no."

Promises are easy to make, and Harry barely waits for him to say yes before he’s kissing him with one hand going straight for his zipper, so Zayn figures maybe it’s not all that mandatory for him to hold to his end of the deal.

Except he finds himself wanting to do so, shockingly. It turns out knowing there’s at least one person who’s noticed him is enough to make him want to suck it all up and try to survive the rest of the semester. And it’s a great thing, because now he gets to hang out with Harry, though they don’t kiss again because once Zayn actually starts paying attention to his surroundings he notices the blond kid that’s constantly next to him and when he sees the way he looks at Harry, he knows better than to step between them.

It’s still okay, because Zayn doesn’t need more than a friend, he’s better off like this, really. One friend is already far more than he’s used to having, and it makes things a little bit easier. He doesn’t feel like running away so much now, even though sometimes he’s sitting through Econ and he can’t help but wonder if there’s a point to all of this, when all he really wants to do is draw, and drawing on the corner of his books just isn’t enough.

He stays in school because he doesn’t want to go home, not when his mom is so proud of him for getting there, not when his dad would probably disown him if he knew he wants to give up on all chances of what he considers a decent job to become an artist. He stays, but he doesn’t really do anything, even when he knows that will be just as disappointing, even when he’s constantly thinking about how quickly he’ll lose his scholarship if he doesn’t put in a little more effort. It’s just too hard, and he’s not interested enough in any of it, so he skips class and sits outside and smokes until he can no longer feel the cold bite of the approaching winter on the back of his neck.

Giving up sounds so easy, but every time he brings it up Harry pouts and he can’t bring himself to do it, because on top of everything else he knows he’d disappoint Harry as well now, and he wishes people would just let him be, but no one seems to get that. So he stays, and he stays, until it’s finals’ week and he realizes he’s wasted away an entire semester and clearly, staying is pointless.

So while Harry goes to take the History final he’s skipping on, he goes outside, sits on the floor and lights up a joint. This is it. He’s going to wait until the final drag and then he’s going home, and Harry will just have to deal with it. He can go cry on his friend’s shoulder for all he cares.

And then there’s steps approaching and he’d try to care if he wasn’t so beyond done with everything, so he just waits, and when he sees a boy his age looking curiously at him, he gives him a tentative smile and offers a drag, because he might as well be nice on his last day, considering he hasn’t ever been before in all the other days of his college life so far.

 

He was so determined to not go back the second semester. After wasting all his time away and screwing up all his chances, Zayn was finally set on staying home and getting a job and working up the necessary courage to tell his parents he didn’t want that job either. He never believed in much, but maybe a tiny bit of him thinks there might have been something behind him meeting Louis right when he was about to quit that place forever. Because even though he’s only spoken to him once on that quiet, slow afternoon, he can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop thinking about him, about every single second of those two hours spent lying under the sun, barely speaking. 

He could get used to that.

He’s put up with a whole semester, he thinks he can manage a few more weeks if it means getting to know him a little better, hanging out a few more times with him. And if he’s gonna go back, then he might as well actually try this time around.

Harry is absolutely ecstatic when he tells him he might be coming back, and it’s a testament to how much time they’ve been spending together without Zayn really noticing that he sees right through him even if they’re texting and Zayn’s not exactly expressive.

_"Sooooo I’m very happy to know you’ll still be around for a bit more. Who should I thank for it?”_

_”believe it or not, i am able to think of other reasons to stick around besides blow jobs”_

_”I can’t, so just tell me already. Or have the blow jobs not happened already??”_  

Eventually, Zayn ends up telling him, and he regrets it right away because Harry starts telling him about fate and serendipity and a bunch of other nonsensical stuff that have absolutely no meaning for Zayn. All he knows is it’s probably for the best if he at least doesn’t give Harry a name, just in case he knows Louis, because then god knows what might happen. It’s bad enough as it is, with Harry texting him every day through break and asking if he thinks they’ll have a June wedding because he’s always loved those and Zayn has to bite his tongue every single time to ask him why he doesn’t plan that out with his buddy he’s never even dared asked about because he’s pretty sure Harry’s head over heels into him and he just doesn’t feel like hearing about it.

This is Zayn’s life though, full of meeting boys who he might potentially love and then meeting the people they already love. It’s not like he’s looking for someone to love, but a little part of him might be, for as mysterious and reserved as he may appear to be, deep down he’s just lonely and usually feeling a bit lost. So even though he tries his best not to get his hopes up, when he goes back to college and finds Louis waiting for him on what he figures is now their spot right after lunch, even though his brain tells him he really doesn’t know him and he’s been through this enough times in the past to know better, a fuse inside him is lit and it only gets worse from then on.

Louis isn’t finding college easy at all, but he has it worse than Zayn, because he actually wants to be there and study and get his degree, but the few times they talk about it, Zayn sees the way his eyes open a little wider and he gets somewhat frantic, he feels his hands getting sweaty around the joint he passes him, he can almost hear how fast his heart starts to race. It worries him, but then Louis will take a few more drags, the conversation will shift topics, and he relaxes by his side, back to smiling hazily and resting his head on his shoulder as he blows rings of smoke and mocks him for never quite getting the hang of those, and Zayn feels something warm inside him because he’s helping him, isn’t he? He’s doing something that matters to someone, he’s giving him a safe space, and Louis starts to come more often, and they still don’t talk about anything too important but it’s okay, it’s still more than Zayn bargained for.

Harry is still around, always, never quite letting go of Zayn even when he feels himself drifting away, and he’s thankful for it because he’s never been good at making friends but he’s worse at keeping them, and Harry seems to get exactly what he’s like, how he’ll forget to text back for days without meaning anything by it. He doesn’t ask about Louis half as much anymore, and when he does he doesn’t push him at all when he doesn’t give him straight answers about anything. Zayn figures he’s used to it by now, knows him well enough to realize it’s not that he’s hiding anything but he’s just not ready to share this one good thing he’s got going. And maybe, possibly, he’s not ready to tell Harry about how stupidly into someone else he is when he still finds himself staring at him for a little too long at times, because he’s not sure he understands how he can have both feelings living inside him, both just as overwhelming, and thinking about it is enough to make him dizzy so he doesn’t even want to think of how explaining it would go along.

Harry has someone else, and he has Louis, and it’s good enough for him. And then one early afternoon, he has Louis pressed up against him and they’ve been quiet for a while now but the silence’s comfortable and Zayn could stay like this forever, he thinks.

Louis is particularly silent, eyes closed, and he’s thinking so loudly Zayn can almost hear him, until he actually does and he’s sure Louis didn’t mean to say it out loud because he looks shocked at himself but he says it and Zayn hears it and it’s everything he’s ever wanted to hear. He’s got his head on Louis's shoulder and they were smoking but that joint is long gone and all that remains is a faint smell and the state of pure bliss he’s in.

“I feel like this is the only place where I can breathe, here, with you.”

“Is that so?” Zayn looks up at him, his heart hammering in his chest. He matters to Louis, he helps Louis, he can barely think straight but he can hear those words clearly enough to know Louis is telling him he’s been right all along.

“I guess.”

Louis looks down at him and Zayn might blame it on being high if it all goes wrong, but right then and there, the need to kiss him is loud and clear and overpowering.

So he kisses him, and it all goes wrong.

  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Things don’t ever, ever go according to Louis's plans. His original intentions are fairly simple, he just wants to talk to Harry and get him to realize he has to decide what he wants to do with his life because he’s going to end up breaking someone’s heart if he doesn’t make up his mind, but it isn’t until he gets him alone and starts saying so that he realizes it’s not quite as he thought it was. 

“There’s nothing unresolved with me and Zayn, we just had a thing once but then he didn’t want anything else to do with me and he said something about Niall but he must have imagined it because Niall doesn’t want anything to do with me either.”

Harry shrugs his shoulders and keeps chewing on a banana and Louis is, once again, baffled at all that Harry Styles is.

“Listen, I probably shouldn’t say it, but Niall is stupidly gone for you. I’ve been his best friend for years so you can take my word on it. I don’t know about Zayn but Niall says there’s something there too, so you have to figure that out.”

“Zayn hasn’t ever said a word to me about any of this, so I don’t see how I could possibly just go and spring it up on him, people don’t ask those things to each other. I do, I mean, I have, but it hasn’t worked out and out of all the people in the world Zayn is probably the least likely to appreciate being confronted like that.”

It makes some sense, Louis guesses, which is worrying because in the short time he’s known Harry he’s come to learn the words that come out of his mouth are hardly ever part of a coherent sentence.

“Do you really think Niall’s gone for me?” Harry’s eyes are all dreamy and he’s nearly batting his eyelashes at him, but Louis did not sign up for this and he won’t put up with it. Even if he can see what appeals both Zayn and Niall so much when he’s being all charming like this.

“I don’t know, why don’t you find out?” He asks back mockingly but Harry doesn’t seem to catch his tone at all, still staring into the distance, probably picturing himself and Niall running through a valley holding hands or whatever kind of dumb romantic daydreams people like him have.

“I will, but if you’re that interested in all of this, maybe you should talk to Zayn too, because I’m not the only one with communication issues I’d say, and if he wasn’t so busy moping after you it would be easier to sort it all out.”

Louis rolls his eyes because Harry knows nothing about him and he’s in no place to be giving him advice about anything, but as he leaves him and his banana behind, he knows he’s got a point. Avoiding his own problems by focusing on other people’s is hard when they’re all linked together, but that’s what he gets for getting mixed up with all these weirdly co dependent people.

Zayn’s easy to find, and seeing him sitting down at their usual spot lighting up a joint makes Louis's heart ache because in all the turmoil of things he was feeling he completely forgot about him, yet he’s been sitting right where he left him, probably waiting for him to stop being an idiot and come talk to him and give him some sort of rational explanation for having run off on him like that.

He sits down next to him and Zayn doesn’t say anything, passing him the joint in complete silence, and they stay like that for a very long moment.

“So Harry tells me you’re not a homophobic douche, but just a plain douche” Zayn starts after getting his joint back from Louis and inhaling deeply. He lets the smoke through his nose slowly, his gaze lost in the horizon, and Louis wonders how many times in life he’s screwed people over like this without even noticing because he was too busy in his own head. “A douche with a boyfriend.”

The way the word sounds coming from his lips has Louis shifting in place, wanting to get up, suddenly uncomfortable. It’s full of well deserved reproach, and guilt isn’t a feeling he handles well. Not that there’s any feeling he handles well, it would seem.

“About that.” He starts, and stops because there is no excuse good enough for forgetting to mention Liam. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, you know, not bring him up ever, but everything was just so much and we didn’t talk much about our lives anyway so I guess it never came up and I know that’s the shittiest apology ever but I really, honestly, didn’t do it on purpose and I wanted you to know that. I wouldn’t have." 

Zayn turns to him and he’s got an unreadable expression on his face. Louis waits, watching the joint slowly burning up between Zayn’s fingers.

“It’s okay,” He says finally, and Louis lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and he takes the joint from Zayn and takes a long drag. “I mean, you could’ve spared me a lot of trouble if you’d said something sooner, but what’s done is done. And I know you didn’t mean to, don’t worry about it.”

Louis figures he shouldn’t feel this relieved when Zayn’s just told him he put him through a lot of trouble, but he’ll take what he can get.

“Thanks. We’re still friends, yeah? Because no one else around here has shit as good as yours,” Louis half smiles, waiting the second it takes for Zayn to crack a smile at his joke before fully chuckling along.

“Yeah, we’re friends. I’m not gonna get rid of you just because you’re an idiot, I knew that since the moment I saw you and I still let you sat with me, didn’t I?”

Trying to act offended, Louis punches his shoulder softly, feeling his every move slowed down as the high starts to kick in.

“You’re an idiot too. But seriously, this is so good. Slows all the crazy down.”

“Did you tell him?”

“Yeah, I told him,” Louis passes him the almost entirely burnt out joint, a flashback of that one disastrous afternoon passing through his mind.

“Harry said you were fine, but- are you? I didn’t mean to get you in trouble or anything, you know” Zayn speaks slowly, and Louis can feel how concerned he is about it. It’s new, talking about real things from their lives, and he’s starting to think he doesn’t mind it all that much, even if escaping from it all was magical in its own way.

“It’s fine, we’re fine. I mean, things were a little messy already, so I guess by the time I told him about it he had bigger things to worry about,” Louis shrugs, and Zayn arches a questioning eyebrow. “I kinda, uh. I had a bit of a freak out and broke up with him for like, an hour. It wasn’t pretty. Liam thinks it was because I have some sort of issue I should talk to a doctor about, I think college is evidently not for me.” He shakes his head and laughs a little bitterly, but then Zayn’s hand is on his shoulder and he doesn’t feel so sarcastic anymore.

“And have you thought about that, at all?” Zayn nearly whispers, as if he’s worried he’ll scare Louis away if he says it any louder. “Talking to someone, I mean. Because, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, okay, but sometimes you do get a little bit- frantic. And then sometimes you get very negative and I haven’t talked to enough people around here to know if it’s normal, but even if it is, it looks like it’s making your life particularly hard, feeling like that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” it’s a bit of a broken whisper and Louis wasn’t aware at all of how strongly he felt about this, how terrified he seems to be of people thinking he needs fixing because he doesn’t, this is how he is.

“I’m not saying there is, Lou, I’m just saying maybe talking to someone about things would help you see they’re not always as horrible as they look.”

“That’s what Liam said,” Louis didn’t come here for this, he didn’t want to talk about this, or about Liam, he just wanted to know if Zayn still wanted to make out with Harry and this has all gone very, very wrong. “I think I’m gonna go now.”

“Louis…” Zayn’s grip on his shoulder becomes tighter and Louis doesn’t really want to leave. “It’s okay, you know? If you don’t want to do it, that’s fine, but if you do go see someone, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the way you are. It just- It just means the way you are is a bit too much for you to carry it all on your shoulders by yourself.”

Stupid college with its stupid drama is leading Louis to tears for the second time in a very short time, and he’s going to have some words with himself about this later. For now, he thinks he’ll just hide in Zayn’s shoulder for a bit.

“I didn’t come here just for this, I came here to know if you were also hung up on Harry,” He mumbles, his face buried in Zayn’s jacket.

“You mean also, as in like that friend of his who is very obviously in love with him?” Zayn chuckles, and it vibrates all throughout Louis's body. He might be a little more stoned than he thought.

“I mean also as in Harry wants to make out with you a lot, and he thinks you don’t” Louis shifts his head so he can see Zayn and discreetly wipe his tears with his sleeve because he doesn’t think he’ll appreciate it if he gets his beloved leather jacket wet and snotty.

“I think this isn’t the time or place to talk about this, nor you are the person I should be discussing it with” Zayn says looking back at him, and he smiles widely. “But don’t worry, we’ll get it sorted out.”

“Good, I have bigger problems to worry about.” Louis says with his best straight face on, but Zayn cracks up and starts laughing and it’s incredibly contagious.

“Yeah, you do. But we’ll get you sorted out too, you’ll see.”

“You and Harry? That sounds absolutely terrifying.”

“Dickhead.”

“And to think I actually wanted to try and help you with something. This is what I get for being generous,” Louis says indignantly and groans loudly when Zayn reaches out to ruffle with his hair, still laughing at him.

“It’s going to be okay,” he says with his fingers still tangled in Louis's hair, and very much despite himself, Louis finds himself believing it.

The more Louis thinks about it, though, the harder he finds it to understand how exactly this love triangle his friends have gotten themselves into works. All he’s figured out so far is that everyone seems to be crushing on Harry, and the feeling appears to be mutual in all directions as well, so that won’t be easy to solve.

And then there’s the fact that none of the three of them is bothered at all by the mess they’ve gotten themselves into, though Louis is entirely certain neither of them is getting any so he doesn’t get why they’re not upset about that at least. It’s unnerving.

 

“Have you considered maybe letting them work it out for themselves?” Liam says, his fingers still running through his hair, and Louis look up at him indignantly. Liam was trying to study when Louis came to the room with this terrible situation in his hands, so the books had to go because they were on the spot on Liam’s lap that Louis needed his head to rest on so he could think properly.

“But they can’t, Liam, because they know nothing about relationships,” Louis explains with resignation because surely Liam understands by now that there is no one better than him at fixing up other people’s lives. If he fixed his own chaos, then he can solve anything.

“Okay, sure,” Liam shrugs and smiles fondly at him and Louis can feel a slight hint of mockery in it but Liam leans in and kisses his lips softly so he decides to forgive him for it. “Uh, okay, let me think then, I want to help too.”

“Fine, I guess you can be my assistant or something,” Louis concedes, shifting to his side a little and becoming suddenly very aware of how close he is to Liam’s dick. This conversation won’t last much longer. He cares about his friends, but it makes no sense for this issue to cause five people to go through life without getting laid.

“Well, have you thought about getting one of them to go out with someone else? Like, getting one out of the equation would only leave two and that would be far easier to handle, right?” Liam speaks slowly as the idea forms in his head, and Louis can already see in his eyes that he’s thinking of people he can set them up with. “What about- oh god. Nevermind. I’m an idiot.”

Liam chuckles at himself as he shakes his head, and Louis reaches out to pinch his nipple to get his attention.

“You’re not an idiot. What were you going to say?”

“I just kept thinking about Zayn and how you always say he’s so shy and like it would take someone very, you know, cheerful and open to get him out of his shell, someone who could make him laugh easily and who wouldn’t be put off by him being quiet, and I thought, well-”

“You thought of Niall.”

It makes sense. It makes all the sense in the world. It’s the missing piece. Louis sits up, and Liam stops laughing right away.

“No. No, no, no, love, I know that look in your eyes and it means you’re having a very bad idea that I need to talk you out of.”

“You haven’t even heard my idea yet,” Louis whines, though he knows Liam’s probably right and this is not going to work, but it just makes so much sense. “Listen. Just, think about this, okay? Harry is torn because he wants to be with Niall and with Zayn and he can’t decide, and they both want him too. And you and I, who are possibly the smartest people in this entire university, we know that Zayn with Niall would make a perfect match.” Louis pauses, staring at Liam and waiting to see if he’s following, but clearly he’s not. “They all match. All three of them.”

“I’m not sure I know where you’re going with this.”

“All. Three.” Louis punctuates each word and looks at Liam expectantly, watching him frown in confusion as he thinks it over, until suddenly realization hits him and his eyes go wide open.

“Oh. Oh. All three of them.” Liam repeats, nodding slowly, and Louis wants to kiss him breathless because of course Liam doesn’t think he’s absolutely insane for suggesting this, but he needs to get his full approval before he does. “It could work. I mean, I don’t know if they’ll agree but theoretically it could work.”

“I’ll make it work.” Louis throws one leg over Liam’s so he’s straddling him, and he will, he really will. But since his head is sorted, he can move on to more important things. Like his boyfriend’s dick. “It will work out. Now stop overthinking it and kiss me.”

 

Louis can feel Liam’s eyes on him for the next couple of days, knows he’s waiting for him to make a move. It’s a little unnerving, but at the same time he feels like Liam’s always watching over him when he’s doing something reckless like this, and it’s not so much distrust as it is just a need of being his safety net in case he slips by accident, which makes Louis feel like he truly can do anything he sets his mind into without having to worry about the outcome. Liam will be there to catch him. He always is. He’s his partner in crime who’s got his back under any circumstance. 

However, there is no plan just yet. No matter how much Louis thinks about it, he can’t seem to find a way to subtly suggest a three way relationship without freaking anyone out, and being blunt about it would definitely not help either. It’s all he can think about, and as days go by and he keeps having to see all three of them moping around in different corners, he starts to despair. Maybe he’ll never find a way. Maybe he had the one idea that could save all three of them from a broken heart and he’s going to be buried with it because he wasn’t smart enough to come up with the right plan to get it into their heads.

It’s eating him up on the inside, and just as he’s starting to spiral down into a slightly terrifying train of thoughts that lead nowhere, it all clicks. He needs to go all Inception on their asses, or so he explains to Liam. He can’t just come up to Harry on the hallway and suggest polyamory, he has to make Harry think it’s his idea. And there is only way in which he knows how to plant the seed of an idea like that, and it’s not exactly like DiCaprio did it, but it’s close enough.

It should probably tick him off that no one finds it odd how frantic he’s acting, but now that he’s finally got a plan and is about to get it into action, he can’t stop himself from moving around the room. They’re all sitting in his and Liam’s bedroom, all five of them, a joint that’s probably the second one they’ve shared still making its way around the circle, while Louis is practically buzzing where he’s sitting. He can tell everyone was a little intrigued as to why he’d been so dumb and insensitive to bring all three of them into the same room under the false pretense of wanting a quiet Friday night in, but after a couple of beers and all that weed, they don’t seem to care enough.

Liam eyes him curiously, putting a hand on his thigh to keep him in place, but he doesn’t say anything, not even when he gulps down what’s left in the beer bottle that was in the middle of them all. They’ve both been cautious with their drinking, not being able to skip on the joints without being too obvious, so unlike Niall, Zayn and Harry, they’re still sober enough to know what’s going on. The rest of them seem to be quite gone already, and Louis would feel bad about getting them on this state as he stays conscious but it’s for the best, or so he tells himself.

“Lads,” He starts saying, and Zayn doesn’t even bother looking at him, his eyes trained on the way Niall’s been tracing small circles on Harry’s back with his thumb for a while now, but the rest of them seem to be kinda paying attention, so he goes on, placing the bottle in the middle again. “Let’s play a game.” He wiggles his eyebrows invitingly, and Liam still says nothing, though his hand squeezes his thigh a little, as if asking without words.

“We can’t play spin the bottle with you two, you’re like married or something,” Harry says slowly, gesturing towards them. “It would be almost gross to kiss you.”

Louis feels the tight rope he’s walking on become suddenly thinner, but he trusts his gut and the fact that everyone seems to be high enough to go along with whatever he says, maybe frowning a little, but going along in the end, as they usually do.

“Okay then, let’s do truth or dare then.” Even Zayn perks up at that, finally unglueing his eyes away from Niall’s hand, and Louis grins like a child on Christmas’s morning when he feels all of them looking expectantly at him. This is going to be perfect.

“I’ll start,” Zayn says straightening up where he’s sitting, and Louis can see in his eyes that he’s got his own ideas, so he hurries to speak up before he says something.

“Good lad, alright. For being the first volunteer I’m gonna choose for you and I dare you to kiss Niall.”

Zayn raises his eyebrows and Harry starts to protest, something about Louis making up rules which, really, after knowing him for this long they should know he never plays a game unless he can bend and break the rules as he wishes, but Niall pulls aways from Harry and leans in, and suddenly everyone goes very, very quiet.

The thing is, Louis knew they would fit in just right. But seeing it happen is a whole different thing. Zayn seems to be a little put off by it at first, but then he’s leaning in as well, possibly because Louis starts to chant for them to kiss and he knows he’s not going to stop until they do, but also maybe because Niall is licking his lips and Louis figures there’s a bit of jealousy there too, something about showing Harry he can do just what he does as well, and then it goes away. Then they’re kissing, and it’s rather obvious that neither of them are thinking about Harry anymore.

Louis can’t tear his eyes from them, and though he figures it’s a little creepy on his part, he can’t quite blame himself. It’s entrancing. It’s a spark coming to life, the way Zayn pulls him in closer and they fall into each other. Liam shakes his thigh and Louis snaps out of it, looking back at him, slightly concerned that he might not have liked how intensely he was staring at other people making out, but Liam just gestures with his head towards Harry, and oh. That.

If Louis was entranced, Harry seems to have lost all notion of where he is and who he is, his eyes burning a hole into both Zayn and Niall at the same time, but it looks like he can’t quite decide why he’s staring like that. If it’s anger or- well. Want.

“Sorry, mate,” Louis lies in a hush, moving over Liam so he’s sitting next to Harry. “I didn’t think they’d enjoy it, to be honest, like I never planned for them to get so into it.”

Harry keeps looking at them as he answers, and Louis has to bite his lip to keep himself from grinning. “I’m going to punch you,” he says, but his eyes are sparkly and Louis doesn’t fear for his face at all, “but I wouldn’t have thought so either. I never thought they’d-”

“Look so hot?”

“Get on.” Now Harry does glare at him, and Louis chuckles, breaking the magic of the moment entirely and causing Zayn and Niall to pull apart, red lips and messy hair, and a look of utter wonder in both their faces. “But it makes sense” Harry continues, looking back at them, and Louis feels profoundly out of place even though it’s his own room and they’re sitting on his and Liam’s bed.

“It just makes sense, doesn’t it.” Harry repeats himself, eyes trained on Zayn and Niall, who are looking at him as if he’s not the only one who’s seen the light just now. The hand on Louis's thigh squeezes tightly and he nods at Liam, slowly getting up.

“We’re gonna go, uh. Get some water for everyone.” Liam says as he reaches out and helps him stand up, Louis tripping all over himself as he tries to follow him to the door. He’s not as sober as he thought, and there were way too many feet on that bed, but as he’s closing the door behind them, he sees Harry scooting up closer to where the other two are, and he thinks maybe there’s just the right amount of feet.

“That’s a terrible metaphor,” Liam tells him as he pulls him away from the door, and Louis didn’t know he’d said that out loud, but he does tend to speak his mind more than usual when he’s high. It’s alright, though, Liam will get him water and he’ll sit with him while those three do whatever it takes for them to understand what Louis has been trying to induce them into thinking, and his plan will work out perfectly. Like all his plans do.

  


It’s too hot and Louis wishes he’d worn different clothes so he wouldn’t feel itchy all over, but then he thinks maybe it’s not the clothes but the being there that’s making him so uncomfortable. Sitting in front of this stranger who’s sizing him up and looking back and forth between him and her notebook, and she’s writing and he has no idea what on Earth she could possibly be writing since he hasn’t even said anything yet.

It was a bad idea. But once Niall, Zayn and Harry settled into their new, very complicated, very intense sort of relationship -Louis only still calls it that in his head because they haven’t made it quite official, but he’s pretty sure it’s just a relationship already, plain and simple as that-, it was like the focus shifted and there was nothing more to keep them distracted, so all eyes were suddenly on Louis. And with four pairs of eyes on him, it was hard to convince them everything was alright.

“So, Louis,” the therapist leans forward and Louis wishes they could get started on the actual treatment she described where he could lay down and not have to be so aware of how intensely she’s staring at him. “What brings you here?”

“My friends wanted me to come,” Louis decides being honest it probably the best way to go about this. “I- uh. I get a little nervous about things sometimes. And sometimes I get so nervous it makes it really hard for me to do things. And they think it’s maybe a bit of a problem.”

“Isn’t it?”

He really doesn’t like this woman and her questions.

“I guess it can be. Sometimes. But I also think it’s- it’s a part of me. It’s how I am. It’s not something that I can fix, okay, it’s just in my nature.”

“It can be,” she admits, and Louis perks up. He wasn’t expecting her to agree just like that. “But sometimes people who are by nature more prone to worrying, when under a lot of stress, can have that natural quality turn into something bigger.”

There is something in her tone that makes Louis feel like she’s mocking him. Maybe it’s the way she takes his words and repeats them a thousand times in a sentence as if to reassure him she’s totally agreeing with him and no, she doesn’t think he’s wrong about anything and he should definitely trust her. It makes him very uneasy, and he can’t help but shift around in his seat some more.

“Well, I did start college recently, and classes and exams have been a little stressful,” He starts. “And like, it’s not so horrible because at least I’m living with my boyfriend so it’s not like I was just suddenly surrounded by strangers, but it has been hard.”

“Boyfriend, huh?” Louis really, _really_ doesn’t like her tone. “So you’re gay?”

“Bi.” He states, straightening up, because something feels incredibly off about this whole thing and he’s suddenly very interested in finding out what exactly she’s writing down.

“That can always be a source of stress,” She says without taking her eyes off her notebook, and Louis is a second away from agreeing, from explaining it really hasn’t in college where everyone seems to be rather okay with it, but it used to be so, so hard, and then she speaks again, “Being confused like that.” 

It’s like being punched in the stomach, and though he’s heard it around a thousand times, it’s the first time in his life he’s actually been told this straight to his face, with such conviction. Confused. Alright.

“I’m not confused.” He tries to sound sure of himself and challenging, but he’s a little bit breathless and it doesn’t come out quite as strong as he wanted it to. “I’m bisexual. I have that very, very clear.”

“Alright, darling, if you say so,” Never in his entire life has Louis wanted to punch a lady this much. “But you see, there is a certain pattern here that I’d like to explore. Maybe you’ve been so nervous because you’re trying to take on more than you can handle, being a little greedy about life.”

It takes him about two seconds to make the connection, and when the chips fall into place, he stands up.

“This is not going to work out.”

There is something incredibly liberating about walking out like that, letting the door shut behind him and walking away without stopping until he’s out of the building and he dares lean against the wall and breathe.

So that didn’t go as he expected. Not that he expected it to go wonderfully, but he didn’t expect to get bashed on like that either. His heart is still beating very hard and he has to put both his hands stretched out against the wall, needing something to hold onto until it all stabilizes inside him and he can breathe properly again.

His phone buzzes and he knows it’s Liam asking how it went, and he’s not sure what to say. Because a part of him is screaming to just let this go, knowing if he says it was horrible and he never wants to do it again, Liam won’t ever bring up the subject again and he’ll do his best to shush the others if they try to talk him into giving it another shot. But despite what it may look like, he has been listening to all of them when they tried to convince him he was going through a lot of shit he could possibly be avoiding, and maybe there is a tiny bit of him that is starting to get hopeful about that. Because it has been shitty, and the more he thinks about it, the clearer it becomes that it hasn’t all been quite as logical as it seemed while it was happening.

There’s the first years of being a teenager that are still a bit of a blur, of being too intoxicated to think clearly, of looking for shelter in the most desperate places. Of being too sad, too angry, and maybe those were okay. Maybe those were normal for a confused teenager.

But then there’s that first time he failed an exam in college and how he cried in front of Liam for the very first time, and he cried for a whole hour and forty five minutes because that F meant Failure and it meant he wasn’t good enough and he honestly considered dropping out, until eventually he stopped crying, and a while later, everything was alright. There’s how normal that felt to him, and how baffled Liam was at how quickly he’d recovered, as if crying his eyes out had been a magical cure for what two seconds ago had been the deepest, most real feeling of doom he’d ever felt.

And that heart wrenching feeling that had built up inside him for a week until he’d burst and broken up with Liam and then- then it had all gone away. As a wave hitting the shore with all its force only to leave quietly after, no evidence left behind.

“ _not great :/_ ” he texts back, and a second later, he sends another one. “ _might look for a different one though??_ ”.

By the time he gets to his room, he’s starting to worry about why Liam hasn’t replied yet, but then he opens the door and finds him giving Zayn some very passionate explanation that includes a lot of flailing his hands around about something Louis assumes to be comic related since he’s got his bed covered with those, and Zayn’s giving him his undivided attention in a way that makes him only the slightest bit of jealous.

“Oh, babe, there you are,” Liam finally looks at him when he shuts the door, all crinkle eyed and fond and Louis remembers there’s nothing to be jealous about. “Zayn came by looking for you and I told him he could wait here.”

“That’s alright,” Louis drops his bag on his bed, still unable to look away from them and how closely they’re sitting, how incredibly fast they seem to have clicked. “Don’t you have classes now, though, love?”

Liam sits up immediately, cursing under his breath when he looks at the time. “I totally forgot, damn it. But yeah, I should go.” He stands up, grabs his stuff, but he only gets to the door before turning back and staring at them like he really doesn’t want to leave.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure Zayn will be around when you get back and you can continue to explain whatever dorky thing you two were bonding about,” Louis rolls his eyes, but Liam beams and crosses the room in two long steps to kiss him before he marches out quickly, saying his goodbyes as he shuts the door behind him.

“He’s so out of your league,” Zayn comments, still looking at the closed door, and Louis can’t help but nod because hell yes he is. Always has been. He must get his usual Liam look on his face because Zayn groans and drops back on Liam’s bed, “Oh, god, turn that off, please.”

“I can’t turn my face off,” Louis tries to scoff but it comes off more like a giggle and yes, he gets why they can be annoying to hang out with. “You two seemed to be getting along rather well.”

“He’s pretty amazing,” Zayn admits, staring at the ceiling. “I’m glad I met him now. It would have taken a lot of effort to dislike him, and I would’ve definitely tried if I’d met him before.”

“Well, he’s not _that_ great, I’m sure you would’ve found a way,” Louis sits next to him, cross legged. “He’s super responsible to the point where it can get annoying. And he’s very self righteous, not so much now because I’ve worked a lot to get him to loosen up, but that could still be used against him. And-”

“Okay, yeah, I get it.” Zayn laughs as he props himself up on his elbows to look at him. “I didn’t come here to discuss whether your boyfriend is perfect or if he’s got a thing or two that could possibly be taken as flaws.”

“Really? Because it’s such a great topic for small talk,” Louis pretends to sigh, and Zayn nudges his leg softly. “It’s odd, hanging out with you somewhere else than that corner.”

“I know, I was just thinking that. But we can still do it, right? After everything?” It’s easy to spot the hint of uncertainty in Zayn’s voice, like he’s honestly worried any of what has happened might have left some kind of dent on them.

“Of course we can,” Louis nods reassuringly, without hesitation. “We’re bros. Always. Or, as long as you want us to be, because if you really think about it, I’m the one who royally fucked us up.”

“You didn’t- don’t say it like that. There were, uh. Extenuating circumstances.”

Louis raises an eyebrow and cocks his head to the side, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It means Harry is looking into going to Law school and it’s all he ever talks about,” Zayn laughs, “It means you don’t have to keep feeling guilty about what happened because it’s done, and you were going through a shitty time, so it’s fine. It really is.”

“Everyone was going through a shitty time when we first started college, I’m not sure it works as an excuse, but thanks for trying,” Louis tries to sound teasing, but it comes off too serious, too honest.

“It’s not the same, and you know it,” Zayn finally sits up fully, “You said you were going to see someone and talk about it.”

“I did, and it didn’t go well,” Louis starts, pulling his knees up to his chest. It feels weird to talk about it, even with Zayn, like he’s exposing himself a little too much. “But, uh. I don’t know. I think I kind of get what you and Liam meant, and I might give it another try. See if I can find someone who’s a better match for me.”

“That’s great, Lou. Not that it didn’t go well, but that you’re willing to keep trying. Har- I’ve heard around that it’s really important not to get discouraged if it doesn’t go well at the first try.”

“You told Harry then?” Louis says, though he knew, because of course he would tell him.

“Sorry,” Zayn winces a little, but Louis pats his knee and gives him a half smile.

“I didn’t tell him because I didn’t feel like having that conversation and it would have been weird. But I’m glad he knows. It’s not like it’s some big secret, it’s just- not easy to bring up.”

“I wasn’t gonna say anything, but they asked. You know, him and Niall,” The blush that creeps up Zayn’s neck when he says both their names together makes Louis smirk.

“You know that’s not why I worked so hard on getting y’all together, to have you all sitting around talking about me.”

“That’s not what we do,” Zayn glares at him, and a part of Louis wants to dig into that and see how much he can make him squirm if he interrogates him about what exactly they do together, but Zayn beats him to it, “And you don’t even wanna know what it is that we do. But, you know. They’ve all hung out with you enough to see what I saw. And I guess they were a little concerned as well.”

He shrugs his shoulders as if it was nothing, such a casual thing, all these people who have paid enough attention to Louis to see what he’s like, how he goes through life, all these people who _care_.

“It’s alright,” Louis says doing his best to keep his voice steady and not be too obvious about how much of a sap he’s being about this. “It’s good that they know. And I’ll- I’ll try again. At least one more time.”

There’s a moment of silence, and it’s too much for Louis.

“But if I’m gonna be forced into sharing my feelings with a stranger I might as well stop doing that with all of you so please, please, tell me you’ve got a joint and a different topic to talk about.”

Zayn laughs and takes out a joint and his lighter, moving from the bed to the floor as he lights it.

“Well, if you still wanna know about what it is that we do, I’d be happy to fill you in on my sex life,” Louis swats him right away before dropping himself on his side, making a face of disgust.

“Boyfriends are banned from being topics of conversation.”

“You sure you don’t wanna hear the face my roommate made the first time I introduced him to them?” Zayn passes him the joint, and makes what’s probably a hilarious and extremely accurate representation of his expression, so Louis gives in.

“That poor dude must still be trying to figure out if you were joking or not.”

“Oh no. Harry made sure to make it very clear how serious it all was. He sat down with him and told him about all the kids we’re going to adopt, he even had names for them and everything. It was hilarious,” Zayn laughs, “though I’m not so sure he was kidding about that.

“So it’s official, then? You’ve been introducing them as your boyfriends and everything?”

“Mhm,” Zayn nods, taking back the joint and smoking up. “Still figuring out how to break it to our families, but I think we might wait until we’re all truly settled into it. Except Harry. He already introduced us to his mom on Skype, but she didn’t even look surprised, which I guess makes sense considering she’s been his mother for all these years.”

“He’s a bit special, isn’t he” Louis comments, leaning back on the bed.

“All sorts of special. But he’s great. They’re both great.”

“I know,” Louis nods slowly, and he wishes he could blame it on being high but he’s not quite there yet, and it’s just straight out of his heart that it comes from when he says it, “Take care of them, Malik. I kind of like them”

“Will do, don’t worry. I kind of like them too.”

“Good.” Louis nods, and he puts the joint back between his lips, closing his eyes.

  
  
  
  


It’s hot, hotter than it has been all year, and the bar right outside campus is crowded. Obviously going out on their last night wasn’t a very original idea, and the minute Louis sees how tightly pressed up to each other people are in there, he shakes his head and turns around. 

“I have a different idea.”

There’s beers that need to be bought, and a little bit of breaking into, and Louis watches Liam follow them without a word, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes, and he can’t help but be proud of himself for having carved this Liam out of the shy, obedient boy he once knew.

There’s no one at the swimming pool, and it takes Niall about five seconds to strip and jump inside, getting everyone else slightly wet in the process.

“That’s new, Harry’s usually the one who loses his clothes first,” Zayn comments off-handedly as he lights up a joint, and both Liam and Louis immediately pull identical faces of disgust.

“We don’t need to hear those things, Malik,” Louis says punching his shoulder softly, and all three assholes laugh at them.

“You brought this upon yourself, Lou,” Harry chuckles as he starts taking his clothes off as well. “Literally got us together. No right to complain now.”

“Just because we wanted you to stop being oblivious and start being happy doesn’t mean we have to listen to whatever naughty stuff you get up to.” Liam’s got his nose all wrinkled, and Harry makes sure to jump into the pool right at the perfect spot to get water all over him.

“It’s funny to hear you two telling someone to keep their sex lives to themselves,” Harry waggles his eyebrows and Liam instantly goes red in the face, while Louis smiles smugly. “Besides, you’re too involved in everything else we do to be left out of the wonderful rollercoaster that is our sex life.”

“How are we involved?” Louis regrets his question the moment it’s out of his mouth, but it’s too late to take it back, and they’re all looking at each other in the least subtle of way.

“You left us alone in your room. You pushed us against each other and then left us alone. While high. I don’t know what you expected.” Zayn shrugs his shoulders, and Louis sighs deeply.

“I told you we should have burnt those sheets.” Liam speaks up from behind him and Louis would argue but he’s taking his shirt off and no one can argue with shirtless Liam. Or maybe it’s just Louis that can’t do it. Either way, he keeps his eyes glued to him as he strips down to his pants and joins Harry and Niall.

“Aw, Liam, no need to be all shy around us.” Harry swims up to him, pulling on the elastic of his pants in a way that would have made it snap if they weren’t underwater. “The plan was to go skinny dipping, and this isn’t skinny.”

“That was not the plan, you made that the plan. I only said we could go hang out at the pool. You have two boyfriends with dicks you can appreciate, stop trying to get close to mine.” Louis squeaks from the side of the pool, getting nothing but laughter in return. “Liam, you’re supposed to be on my side.”

As he sits down on the edge of the pool, only getting his legs up to his calves in the water, Liam swims up to him and braces himself on his arms to get up and kiss him.

“I am on your side, baby.” He grins, and okay. It’s good enough for Louis, even if he does still sound mocking. “And I wasn’t planning on letting anyone else get close to my dick, don’t worry about it. All yours.”

“See, now you’re being gross,” Niall complains from the other end of the pool, as if he wasn’t entirely naked while chasing Harry around trying to grab his bum.

“Shut up,” Louis says with no real heat behind it, still too caught up in Liam and the way his arms look when he’s putting all his weight on them.

“So, we made it to the end of the year.” Zayn’s voice comes from a little behind, because he’s sitting on a chair far enough to make sure he doesn’t get wet at all. “Safe and sound. All in one piece. In happy relationships. Totally didn’t see that one coming.”

Louis looks around and nods, because he didn’t either. No one could have. But these boys have turned into all he needs, and he’s happy they’ve managed to make this all work out, even if it’s not in the most conventional of ways. Especially because of that, actually.

“I’ve been going to therapy.” He blurts out, because he owes them that much. And he wants them to know he listened to them, even if he was pretending to be on his phone every time they tried to talk to him about it. “I tried again after that whole fiasco of the first time, and- well, it’s been going pretty okay. It’s weird, it’s just really weird to sit there and talk about feelings and life, but I’ve found a pretty nice person and it’s not like I have made any progress yet because it’s only been a short while, but. But it’s made me think a lot.”

They all listen quietly, and there’s too many eyes and too much attention on him, but he reminds himself it’s just his boys and wills himself to go on.

“She says I might be anxious. Like, not the way people usually get anxious before big exams, but like, proper anxiety. But it’s too soon for diagnoses and all anyway. It’s just- I wanted to tell you.” He feels Liam squeeze his thigh, always there. “Because I wouldn’t have done it without you. And I would have been fine, probably, just, you know. Panicking a little every now and then. Feeling like I was losing my mind for freaking out over meaningless shit and then feeling just fine a little bit after. But I guess it’s probably better to know why those things happen, and like, see if I can have them happen a little less. So that’s why I wanted to go out with you this last night, besides wanting to get high from Zayn’s top quality weed and getting my boyfriend shirtless and wet.”

“To thank us.” Harry says and his voice sounds raspier than usual, lower even, and Louis doesn’t even have to look at him to know exactly what kind of doe eyed, dreamy expression he’s got on his face. The kind of look he’d usually laugh at, yet right now he feels he might be staring at them with that same wonder in his face.

“To thank you.” Louis beams at them, and Niall splashes him just to ruin the moment, so Louis pulls off his shirt and jumps in to chase after him.

They’re awful, Niall climbing on his shoulders trying to drown him, Harry and Liam only laughing from the side ignoring his cry for help, and Zayn still smoking up on his own, watching over the lot of them.

 

They’re awful boys.

 

But they’re his boys.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](http://ofstellardust.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/ofstellardust/) and you should know i've edited this fic so much that if you find any mistakes or something and want to let me know i'll be truly grateful


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